Ben & Jerry's Breast Milk Special

Okay. This isn't just bordering on the absurd -- it is certifiably absurd. The hot news today? Peta is asking Ben & Jerry's to use breast milk in their ice cream. You heard me right. Gold. In their ice cream. Beyond the obvious blech factor, this has really grabbed my attention today.

Having lovingly nursed two babies for a total of 22 months (you'd have to love them to do that!), the logistics of how such a massive milk program would work has those little wheels in my brain spinning.

First, there's the collection. You'd have to set up thousands of milk banks. Since somebody somewhere would undeniably decide collection needed to be in a certified location, strip malls seem a likely choice.

Magazines would be a necessity as would multiple tv screens. There would have to be some multi-tasking feature, though,since multi-tasking is a mom's greatest talent. It probably isn't considered sanitary to pump while getting a pedicure, but wouldn't that be a great combination?

Oh! And we can't forget childcare! Those little ankle-biters are what got us the gold in the first place! They'd need a kind of activity center like they have at Ikea. Probably not themed, unless you'd want to provide them with free therapy when they're older.

And a vacation program! Since you can't really take time off, you'd need to be able to check in at random sub-stations -- kind of like working out at a different gym when you're out of town.

Whether we're selling Tupperware or tele-commuting, work-at-home moms have come to expect certain benefits. There would have to be some kind of incentive program. Instead of a free T-shirt, would you get a nursing bra with logo for your first "deposit?" Maybe a free cruise after 1000 gallons or a boob lift after 1500?

And we can't forget about additional benefits. Would you qualify for worker's comp if you got mastitis? And having used a pump many times, I'd think there would need to be some kind of intervention program for women who went batty from hearing that droning sound -- if you've ever pumped you know the sound I mean!

And labeling! There would have to be "Certified" organic breast milk and "Certified" breast milk free. Instead of boring old Cherry Garcia, you'd have Boobie Garcia.

Peta hasn't really been in the news in a while, and I'm sure this was just a cry for attention at a time when everyone is focused on the mundane -- our "cratering" economy and the election.

And I for one am glad they cried out. What fun I've had thinking about this!